How Fights Get Started

One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery lot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

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My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust"
And that's how the fight started.

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.

I replied, 'Your eyesight's very near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.

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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said..

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started.

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to make love?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started.

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

AND THAT'S HOW FIGHTS GET STARTED!!

Wordless Wednesday

Hand Picked Friday Features

I figured I would join in on the feature fun! I know by Friday we are all tired and ready for some relaxation and laughter! Time to wind down from the week!

SO HERE IS.....

A Little Relaxation!

A little humor....

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T TAKE MEN TO THE STORE WITH YOU

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T TAKE MEN TO THE STORE WITH YOU

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, my wife is like most women — she loved to
browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Samuel are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women’s restroom..

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away.’

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to
a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people
just leave me alone?’

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of
funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH
NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least.

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey!
There’s no toilet paper in here.

Humor

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Quick Wit

He who laughs last didn't get it.....

A Little Humor

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.